If you are even casually considering hiring a nude/erotic/fetish/ porn model or performer, visiting a strip club or massage parlor, patronizing a prostitute, paying a pro domme or sub, calling up a phone sex line or logging onto a cam site, READ THIS FIRST.
There are two other posts I’m working on right now. I was not planning on writing this today. In fact, I can’t believe I have to write this at all, because all of it comes back to the basic fact that SEX WORKERS ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW, but apparently this is still really fucking hard for some of you, especially the some of you on Model Mayhem. SO:
1. Just because a sex worker provides one sexual service for x amount of money does not mean she provides other sexual services for more money.
A. If you are unsure what services a sex worker provides, ask her. If you would like to know how much those services cost, ask her. You can then purchase one of the services she says she provides at the price she has stated. DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE ALSO PROVIDES X SERVICE OR IF SHE WOULD BE WILLING TO HAGGLE ON HER PRICES. THAT IS RUDE AND MANIPULATIVE.
B. Would you bribe a date with more alcohol to get her to have sex with you? (The answer to that better be ‘no.’ If it isn’t, get off the internet right now and go get professional psychological help.) THEN DO NOT BRIBE A SEX WORKER WITH MORE MONEY TO GET HER TO DO A SEXUAL ACT SHE SAYS SHE WILL NOT DO. THAT IS ABUSIVE.
2. As with all other people, you have to ask sex workers for permission before touching them, having them touch you, or touching yourself sexually in front of them.
A. If you have not negotiated to touch a sex worker in a certain way, and you touch her, THAT IS SEXUAL OR PHYSICAL ASSAULT, EVEN IF YOU TRY TO TIP HER MORE AFTERWARDS.
B. Just because a sex worker agreed to something in a previous session, does not mean that she has agreed to it in every other session. Ask every time, otherwise IT IS ASSAULT.
C. Sex workers have the right to tell you to stop. At any time. Even if they have just taken your money and it’s five minutes into the session. You’re free to complain about them online, complain to their bosses (THOUGH REALIZE THIS MAY PUT THE SEX WORKER AT RISK FOR ASSAULT) or walk away and never return. You are not free to touch them anyway, because THAT IS ASSAULT.
BONUS: IF YOU’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT OR ROLEPLAY SOMETHING THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD FIND DISTURBING, ASK THE SEX WORKER IF THIS IS OKAY FIRST. BECAUSE SEX WORKERS ARE MOST PEOPLE. AND WE DON’T LIKE BEING SURPRISED WITH AGE PLAY RAPE FANTASIES EITHER.
3. Sex workers’ boundaries may change on a day-to-day basis, or a client-to-client basis.
A. If, for example, a sex worker tells you she’s not taking her underwear off that day, even though she’s done it before, RESPECT THAT. I promise you there is a reason. Maybe she has a yeast infection, maybe she’s in a psychologically bad place– IT DOESN’T MATTER, AND IT’S NOT YOUR BUSINESS. NO MEANS NO.
B. If you find out a sex worker has, for example, given another client a hand job, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO ONE AS WELL, nor does it mean that the sex worker doesn’t like you. There are a million reasons why sex workers offer services to some clients and not to others, and if that bothers you, YOU ARE FREE TO GO ELSEWHERE.
4. You have a professional relationship with a sex worker, not a personal one, so you do not get to ask personal questions or offer personal advice.
A. A good rule of thumb is, “Would I ask my barista this?” Perhaps you and your barista have seen each other many times and gotten to know each other very well, but, in most cases, YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR BARISTA AT ALL BEYOND HER NAME AND THE SERVICES SHE OFFERS. Asking someone you have a professional relationship with irrelevant questions about her health or her body, or ANY questions about sexual orientation, dating life, relationship with her parents or whether or not she’s been abused IS RUDE, CREEPY, AND SHOWS A DANGEROUS LACK OF BOUNDARIES.
B. Unless she asks you, the sex worker you hire does not want life advice. She does not care what you think of her life choices, whether or not you think she should go back to school, whether or not you have another great job offer for her. GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS CONDESCENDING.
5. Sex workers have safety measures in place for a reason. Do not try to get around them.
A. The number of times you’ve patronized a sex worker is irrelevant. If she insists on repeating her ground rules for you every time you see her, if she asks you to make sure you bring a condom, if she reminds you that she doesn’t like to be spanked when she’s blindfolded OR WHATEVER, IT IS NOT AN INSULT AGAINST YOU. Acting offended or saying something along the lines of, “You know me!” only shows that you have no idea the kind of danger sex workers are in on a daily basis and MAKES YOU A CLUELESS ASSHOLE.
B. No one asks for your references because they want to ruin your life. I’ve never even heard of that happening. You know what I have heard of happening? On a daily basis? SEX WORKERS BEING ASSAULTED AND MURDERED. GET A GRIP ON THE RELATIVE RISKS AND STOP COMPLAINING.
6. Sex work is a job.
A. ‘Work’ is right there in the phrase. It should not be confusing, but apparently it is: no sex worker is a sex worker because she just loves sex, domming, showing off, etc. so damn much. Sex workers are there to get paid, just like every other worker. This doesn’t mean they can’t also like their jobs or even find them erotically stimulating, BUT THAT IS NOT THE MAIN POINT. Therefore, it does not make sense to ask, “What do you want to do today?”, nor is it a good idea to ask, “Right, but are you *genuinely* getting off on this?” (Remember: would you ask your barista this?) THAT IS RUDE BECAUSE IT PUTS SEX WORKERS IN A VERY AWKWARD POSITION.
B. Just because a sex worker doesn’t gush at the thought of, say, giving you a lap dance, it doesn’t mean that she’s bad at her job or a victim of it. Searching for the one sex worker who reallyreallyreally likes what she does is stupid, especially because hardly any of us are going to tell you the truth, since it might mean losing money. SO JUST CHILL WITH THIS PLEASE.
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Okay then. Any other sex workers have any suggestions?